A Demanding Voice From The Night

"Turning it over to a higher power" is a phrase used in recovery as part of the 12 Step Program.  I have come to appreciate this idea of being able to set aside the ego and reach out to a higher guiding force to take over my life and show me a better way.   I said appreciate but doing so is not that easy because my thoughts are powerful forces that argue for the benefits of the ego’s point of view.  Just a few nights ago I had a powerful experience that shed some light unto the struggle of letting go to a greater force.  
Last week I had a very strange middle of the night episode with a strong voice in my head.  About 3 a.m. I was awakened by a loud voice in my head.  (I share this with some trepidation because it sounds a little odd but if you read my blog you know I am a bit unusual already by the way I look at things.)  That voice talked to me in a very aggressive manner demanding I look at the world from a point of view that I had been reading in a book.  I had continued reading the book because some of the ideas made a lot of sense to me while others seemed written by a very controlling mind. 

So the voice was telling me about myself and I felt determined to hear it because I was open to learning.  I thought the voice represented some kind of higher knowing and I was willing to wade through the aggressive controlling nature of the way I was being talked to.  The voice was like a critical father which I react to from my past.  At some point I got angry and said that if you are some representative of God and treat people as you are talking to me then I am not the least bit interested in knowing you nor your God.  The voice had mentioned a certain media driven religious leader as one close to God and that alone told me this voice was way off or the world was a bigger mess than I had imagined.

It was as if that voice from the controlling author of the book at my bedside had manifested at in this early morning hour to get me in line with the teachings.  I had spent time in the past with a spiritual teacher who shared much wisdom but was very much a critical father figure.  I rejected this critical voice loudly in my own mind and at the point it subsided and I went back to sleep. 

I am still trying to sort this all out but something changed and I feel like my body has been on a spring cleaning gig and pushing a lot of crap out of me.   I also feel like my life has been turned upside down at the same time.  My hope is that I get back to feeling better and centered again soon.  This has all been very disruptive but I still feel clear that my push back was what I needed to do.   I also feel there is something I was to learn from this oddly disturbing night visit about letting go to a higher power which at this point I understand to be my higher self.  At the same time I need to release this critial inner voice driven by my ego-mind that sounds like a mean spirited parent.  I now sense that may be holding me back much more than I have realized.  I am sure there is more to learn here.
I will write more about this as I sift through the thoughts and memories still fresh from this event.  Have a good day.