Yesterday at work I participated in interviewing two possible people who want to be the director of the place I work. I realized in the midst of the interviews that I have an investment in this process because whoever gets hired will significantly shape my work experience. Yes I know that seems obvious but sometimes we miss what is going on inside in the way of reactions. My tendency I noticed was to favor the familiar candidate over the outsider because it feels more predicable. Watching my own reactions of thoughts and emotions to this process was most informative.
This loosing my boss, picking up many of his responsibilities, experiencing the weight of the job, and now interviewing for his replacement so far has been a real learning experience. I now see more clearly what interests me, what causes my attention to wander, where my energy is and when it expands or shrinks.
I am a counselor/therapist/coach/teacher and that is what has meaning for me. Running a program and dealing with all the numbers and details of doing so causes my attention to wane. The dynamics of the counseling process feels like it brings out the best in me and I greatly appreciate being able to work from my heart, tuned into my intuition, and be fully present for the journey of my client. This feels much more meaningful than satisfying funding sources, keeping people on top of their paperwork and the numbers game of budgeting and forecasting. I am a sensing, creative and compassionate person who finds real purpose in making a difference in people's lives.
These insights are not so new but they do reflect a refinement of sorts. For years I was not so clear, explored other options and more or less seemed missing in focus. That could have been because I was burnt out or because I was not taking my work to a deeper level of growth for myself and for my clients.
The other learning I am doing is to see how much it matters to me to find someone I can work with comfortably. The quality of my work experience seems very important. I have been given a lot of leeway in this job and I would prefer it to remain that way. This leeway gives me the room to be myself and to work with clients in away that works for both of us. A happy therapist can last much longer in a job like this than one who feels too confined or over managed. (My self-serving theory of the benefits of making therapist happy.) Honestly not wanting to let go of the control I have had due to the lack of structure is what this in all about. I like to feel in control of my own destiny. I suspect we all want that, is this true for you?
One last thought, while writing this I took a dinner break and watch Nova on Public Broadcasting. The show was about ants and it expanded into biodiversity. The leading scientist involved in the studies presenting in this show was Ed Wilson. His studies have been extraordinary about all the levels of life on our planet. This program got me thinking about the topic of my blog post for today. Every species from ant to human is involved in protecting and providing for its kind. My simple worry about who will be my boss is rooted deeply in my own survival both in protecting the way I do my work and in providing for my future. This helps me to understand and value my own instincts because they are there for a purpose that has great value; that value is to continue on.
What instinctual knowing is trying to guide you?